Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
You Might Also Like
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.