I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
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What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild