If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
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Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
For anyone who needs this today
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that