Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
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No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please