The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
You Might Also Like
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I am, perchance
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.