Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.