The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The government even made aliens boring
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
OH. COME. ON.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.