Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep