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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I have questions??
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I just stopped by to water my horse.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap