If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave