My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
You Might Also Like
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”