Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄