If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.