me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Just why bro?!
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
This meeting could have been a cake
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.