My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
The three genders.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.