Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
You Might Also Like
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?