When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
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And then there were 4
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
#JohnTravolta
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.