[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
You Might Also Like
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
giddy up Office Depot
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average