Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I like long walks away from everyone
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.