Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.