CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
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Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
…u ok Nintendo?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners