Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.