Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving