In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.