Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I have two kinds of followers
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
This came to me in a dream.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO