Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
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My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.