Meanwhile in Canada…
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Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver