All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
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Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.