Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.