They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
sin harder.
This meeting could have been a cake
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
A drum solo but on your face.