I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
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There are usually two types of merchants.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.