Do you want to taunt a snowman?
You Might Also Like
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I can’t deal with men any longer
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related