Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
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Good morning
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
That eye roll….
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Nice try, poison.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.