IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
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Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets