COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT