The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️