Aaaa…CHOO!
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ME: Oh no.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
😂😂
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks