[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I created you as mosquito food.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
(more comics:
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something