I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
It’s an epidemic…
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
You got this…
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
No. He’s not coming out to play
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures