My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
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*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds