No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
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I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
(True)
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.