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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Oh my god
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.