Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
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to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Had an epiphany today.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit