My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”