MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.