behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”