My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”