My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
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*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?