Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Candles never taste the way they smell
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol