2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
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As the best book lists of 2021 drop
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Not all heroes wear capes.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation